The Doily-er Allergen: Episode 3

Since fall of 2020, when I became the Editor in Chief, I wanted to start a parody radio show to expand into an additional and arguably more popular form of media. It took over a year to produce the initial episode, but our podcast, The Doily-er Allergen, was released in November of 2021. While I can’t claim to have founded the newspaper itself, the podcast is my brain child, and I’ve had a hand in creating the entire endeavor through organizing, writing, copy-editing, sound-editing, directing, and voice acting.

Note:

Some of the jokes may not land properly, either from being overly specific to the University of Iowa, or from relying on recurring jokes set up in previous podcast episodes. Some of the jokes are also fairly sophomoric, especially with regard to the true crime podcast.

Script:

PHILLIP: Hello and welcome to the third episode of the Doily-er Allergen. You won’t want to miss this one, no matter how bad you have to go to the bathroom. I’m Phillip Charles Edward Stanley-Michaels, and my death at the end of last episode was reversed, after I asked Death if I could return periodically to do the news, and the ghostly mist before me happily obliged. Today is February 11 and it’s currently 0 Kelvin outsie. Brrr. Be sure to grab that cardigan on your way out of the house.

Today in history: In 1648, for the first and only time in recorded history, absolutely nothing happened on the entire Earth. In 1832, Elizabeth Langley of Fort Sutton, Missouri set a record for longest kept New Year's resolution, after she managed to jog one mile each day for a complete month. Langley then developed irreparable shin splints and became a widely known symbol of the perils of being too motivated. And In 1955, Iowa City officially made the decision to switch from salt to sand as their go-to ice melter, in the hopes of giving students from California and Florida a brief taste of home.

We’ll be back with more news. Don’t go away, unless you really think you can make it to the bathroom and back in time. For those of you who have faith in yourselves or ate chili for lunch, we’ll start a timer, and we promise to take our time. (start timer, then very very quickly:) The Doilyer Allergen will return with the news for this month, as soon as we possibly can.

(MUSICAL TRANSITION INTRO)

PHILLIP: Our top story today: as we come into the coldest days of the year, many of our audience members may be wishing for an escape to somewhere a little warmer right now. Our travel correspondent Brooke Simmons is here to tell you about this year's hottest tourist destination. This seclusive island getaway has recently been thrust into the spotlight after a series of actual exposes revealed the presence of a charming small town outside its main attraction. Brooke, how’s the weather down there in Guantanamo Bay?

BROOKE: It’s about 80 degrees and sunny! I honestly couldn’t be happier!

PHILLIP: I’m so jealous! Tell us about your trip so far, while I grind my teeth behind a smile!

BROOKE: It’s been great! There’s so much to do here in Guantanamo. I’ve been spending my days lounging on the beach, getting to know the locals, ignoring the blatant crimes and human rights violations committed by our own government with a nice margarita in my hand…. It’s been a blast Phillip.

PHILLIP: Speaking of the locals, tell me more about the culture down there.

BROOKE: Absolutely! So what a lot of people actually don’t know about Guantani B is in addition to being a vacation destination, it’s actually also a maximum security detention camp and you can really feel that when you're here and speaking to locals. For example, I’ve noticed one of the local traditions is for the guards to carry semi automatic rifles to honor the tradition of power. I did try asking them to learn more about it but they did NOT like that!

PHILLIP: Fascinating. And how about the local cuisine?

BROOKE: Well there is a McDonalds for those days when you’re really missing home and just need something to remind you of America, something other than the cries of the prisoners. But if you really want to immerse yourself in the local culture I’d recommend eating the prison food! Oh, sorry I don’t think I can legally call it food, but regardless it’s super tasty and you won’t find anything like it in the States, that’s for sure!

PHILLIP: Where have you been staying?

BROOKE: Well they’ve actually turned some of the rooms in the detainment camp into rooms for tourists, very prison chic! I sleep on a cot and get to share a bathroom with another guest. It's a great way to meet someone for all you singles out there. Sometimes the guards even mix up the tourists and the actual prisoners, so it’s a very authentic experience.

PHILLIP: So overall you’ve enjoyed your stay?

BROOKE: Oh Absolutely Phillip! Guantanamo Bay is this year's Cape Cod! I was inspired to go when I read the articles in the New York Times, and let me tell you… after seeing it myself words on a page could never do this beautiful place justice! Don’t sleep on this incredible, once in a lifetime travel opportunity!

PHILLIP: Phenomenal, Brooke, thank you. That sounds like the kind of vacation we all could use right now, given the winter temperatures in Iowa. But, if you can’t afford a flight out of this icy hellscape, our next story is for you, as we’ll break down some tips on how to tell if the person walking ahead of you is vaping, or simply breathing while it’s cold out. Human anatomy and nicotine product correspondent Dick Chad is here to help us sort this complex issue out. Dick?

DICK: Thanks, Phil.

PHILLIP: It’s Phillip, and I’m your boss. Stop calling –

DICK: Scientists have determined three major ways to determine if the person on the sidewalk in front of you is breathing while it’s cold out, or ripping a fat cloud.

PHILLIP: Tell them to us.

DICK: I’m about to.

PHILLIP: Do it then.

DICK: Experts say the first step in answering this question is to observe current weather patterns. Open your weather app, and be sure to note the temperature when you do. If it’s 35 degrees or lower out, your person of interest could just be breathing while it’s cold out.

PHILLIP: And what if I’m not a coward who can’t handle the mental pressure of approaching a stranger?

DICK: If that’s the case, the next recommended step is to sneak up behind your target and sniff the air around their head. If you don’t pick up any hints of bubblegum or mango, they’re likely not vaping. Or, you may not be sniffing hard enough, in which case give it another go. The closer to their mouth you can get, the better. Another option is to tail them for a couple blocks. Throw on your best everyday UI student disguise and follow them to see if they enter a smoke shop at any point. If they do, well… that’s one less unsolved mystery in the world.

PHILLIP: What if they go into a convenience store?

DICK: Well, subtlety will be the key. Follow them inside and pretend to shop for something boring… antifreeze, or a Gatorade… while continuing to observe them. If they notice you, abort the mission immediately. Throw something across the store and run in the opposite direction while they’re distracted. However, while this wasn’t in the scientific article, I believe there is a better way. Simply… ask them. People respect honesty and straightforwardness. Just go up and ask, “excuse me, are you vaping, or just breathing while it’s cold out?” It lets your target know you see them as a human being, and it normalizes the conversation subject.

PHILLIP: Well that sounds like total horseshit, Dick. Who made you an expert in this?

DICK: You did, you promoted me to human anatomy and nicotine product correspondent. I spent weeks researching how–

PHILLIP: Wonderful, Dick, thank you. We’ll be back after a word from our sponsors unless you’re one of our Premium Subscribers, in which case, enjoy this smooth jazz solo and your complimentary charcuterie board.

(TRANSITION MUSIC)

ADVERTISER: There’s no better time to travel than during the height of a pandemic! Say goodbye to the white, sandy beaches of Hawaii and the warm, comfortable breezes of Bali, because there’s a new luxury experience for all you worldly explorers, advertised by influencers to be “even better than the Fyre Festival.” Guantanamo Bay is the trendy destination for any Millenial or Gen Z-er looking for a unique and #Lit vacation! Looking for a celebrity endorsement? Kylie Jenner has placed Guantanamo Bay on her list of Top Five Destinations That Will Leave You Traumatized for the third year in a row! Pet one of the thousands of stray cats that wander the militarized streets or have a delicious Starbucks refresher while listening to the soothing sounds of waterboarding and aggressive beating within the walls of the prison. Plan your vacation today for a memory you’ll never forget, even if you desperately want to. Go to www. Fun Islands for Rich People.com for more information!

(TRANSITION MUSIC)

PHILLIP: The Iowa City Police Department made news recently for proposing a budget increase to buy a MRAP – a Mine Resistant Ambush Protected Vehicle. Johnson County Sheriff Amanda Wade spoke up in a city council meeting in January, saying the vehicle would allow ICPD to combat Iowa City’s rampant mine problem. We go live to junior field correspondent Lydia Cross. Lydia?

LYDIA: Thanks, Phillip! I’m outside the Iowa City Police Department. I’m especially excited to be here today, I have my whole family listening in live for my first complete report.

PHILLIP: After the last two, I wouldn’t count your chickens just yet.

LYDIA: I had multiple statistics professors assure me that the odds of a third mishap are astronomical, so I figured the coast should be clear.

WADE: Lydia, do you need me here for this?

LYDIA: Oh - um - I’m so sorry Sheriff, let’s begin. How long does the police department think it will take to rid Iowa City of mines?

WADE: Well, with the MRAP added to our toolbelt, we should be able to reduce the mine situation within the month, to something resembling the current state of Sanaa, Yemen. Without it… god help us all.

LYDIA: (pause) Oh, phew! Made it through a question. Obviously we’re all familiar with the mines, and everybody who’s lasted this long has their own techniques for not being obliterated on the way to class. What tips does the police department recommend for to avoid the mines?

WADE: Well, first and foremost, always keep your eyes peeled. You never know when one of them might turn up, but they’re fairly easy to spot to a trained eye. Come closer and check this one out. One dead giveaway they all have is

(A mine explodes)

LYDIA: (coughing from the smoke) Sheriff Wade? Sheriff? Sh– (beat) oh, for the love of fuck, again?!

PHILLIP: Lydia, what’s –

LYDIA: Sheriff Wade stepped on a landmine. Because of course she fucking did. The big dumb hunk of shit had to go and step on a landmine. Why does this keep happening? Am I cursed? Do you specifically assign me these idiots? Phillip! Did you know this was going to happen??? PHILLIP!

PHILLIP: Maybe statistics isn’t a real science after all.

LYDIA: PHILLIP ANSWER ME!

PHILLIP: Up next, we turn to our junior crime correspondent Anna Borshin, for updates on the unsolved and evolving mystery in North Liberty.

ANNA: Welcome back, everyone. My name is Anna Borshin, and this is the third installment of the Doily Allergen’s true crime segment, “North Lie-berty.” I told one of our interns to come up with a better name over winter break, but after catching every variant of Covid simultaneously, he didn’t deliver. Fucking Brian. Sorry, folks. We’ll have a better title next month, or Phillip Charles Edward Stanley Michaels will deliver a personal apology to all of our devoted listeners.

PHILLIP: I will do no such thing–

ANNA: But there’s no time for chit-chat, because I have grave news to share with you all. Kendra from HyVee, the bitchy cashier and repeated guest on this very segment, is dead. She is now the fifth victim of the Iowa River Killer, which is the terrible name that the Daily Iowan came up with for the supposed serial killer in Iowa City. Regardless of how cool or uncool the killer sounds, I hope we keep the memory of the dearly departed Kendra Pitlaikitzat (can drop it like it’s hot) in our hearts and minds.

To discuss this startling development, I’ve invited Detective Craig Kennedy into the studio to illuminate the impact of Kendra’s death on the case. Welcome back, Detective Kennedy.

DET. KENNEDY: Great to be here, Miss Borshin! Before we begin, is smoking allowed in this building? Officer Bunch sent a real nice Cuban shipment to the office to celebrate all the stocks he just bought in HyVee since he’s making money like crazy!

ANNA: Please don’t smoke in the studio. Can we focus on the case?

DET. KENNEDY: Right, right. I keep forgetting that you’re bent out of shape over these dead kids.

ANNA: [EXASPERATED SIGH] Could you tell everyone what we know about Kendra’s death so far?

DET. KENNEDY: Well, like all the other victims, her body was found on the banks of the Iowa River, close to the IMU. It’s likely her body was dumped upstream, but because all the victims are employees of the North Liberty HyVee, we think that their bodies were disposed of in North Liberty.

ANNA: Have you established a crime scene yet?

DET. KENNEDY: We have a couple spots of interest at the moment, but nothing’s official yet. When Officer Bunch and I were planting evidence last week, we did find some clothing scraps that may have belonged to Dixie Normous, but because we destroyed her clothes, we have no way of knowing for sure.

ANNA: Wait, did you say you were planting evidence?

DET. KENNEDY: You must have misheard me.

ANNA: I definitely didn’t mishear you.

DET. KENNEDY: [panicking] I didn’t say planting evidence. I said, uh… enchanting edifice. Yeah. There’s a… castle. On the river. In North Liberty. You’d love to visit it.

ANNA: Maybe you could take me there and show me the crime scene.

DET. KENNEDY: [panicking more] Uh… I’d love to, but… it’s gone. Destroyed. We blew it up.

ANNA: You blew it up?

DET. KENNEDY: It was a necessary step in our investigation. You’re not a cop. You wouldn’t get it.

ANNA: I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I don’t believe you.

DET. KENNEDY: I think that’s all the information I have for you at the moment, Miss Borshin. I need a cigar.

ANNA: You could take a five minute smoke break and-

DET. KENNEDY: Sorry, I have to go.

[Det. Kennedy takes off his lav mic and slams the door]

ANNA: Well, that was the most incriminating thing I’ve ever witnessed. I think I might need a while to process what just happened. Did Detective Kennedy seriously admit to planting evidence, or is this all in my head?

I’m going to take it upon myself to look at potential crime scenes in North Liberty. If I don’t, who will? It’s clear that the ICPD has no interest in actually solving this case, and I’m starting to believe they know much, much more than they’re letting on.

Wish me luck. If this truly is a conspiracy, I could be risking more than my journalistic integrity. My life could be at stake, which is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, I’d rather not be killed by the ICPD in a coverup. On the other hand, could you imagine how much media coverage the Doilyer Allergen would get? The ad revenue we’d be making would be mind-blowing. But that’s obviously on the off chance that I do get murdered. I’m just trying to make the best of this terrifying discovery.

Until next week. Make sure to tune in to next month’s chapter of “North Lie-berty.” God, that title is awful. Phillip? Can we please assign someone to change the title as soon as possible?

PHILLIP: Thank you, Anna. I couldn’t agree more, and I promise to change the title myself, as soon as I get around to it. Well, during that last segment, I booked a two week vacation to Guantanamo Bay using my sweet sweet podcast money, and my flight leaves in three hours. That in mind, we’ll make these next stories quick. Here’s the rest of the news for this month.

The Chauncey Hotel in downtown Iowa City, home of the FilmScene movie theater, has recently added a bowling alley to their lobby floor designed to improve the moviegoing experience. The decision has received widespread acclaim from Iowa City residents, who have particularly praised the immersive experience of watching Dunkirk while feeling like bombs are actually going off in the next room. Chauncey owner Margaret O’Rourke has discussed early-stage plans to develop a hockey rink below FilmScene, to further appeal to the cinephile community.

And an update to one of our past stories: months ago the Iowa football program came under fire from artsy kids who just want to go to Gabes. Today the doily-er allergen received breaking news that the aforementioned artsy kids at gabes were shocked to learn that sports occur all year round. Freshman cinema major Emery Bernard Thurman described the news as, quote, “utterly ghastly” and “ugh, it just makes me want to get in a car and drive, and not know where I’m going, you know?” (Beat) We don’t know Emery. Nobody in real life has ever actually felt that way.

Lastly, after wrapping up a month-long winter break, UI sophomore and futility metaphor Sisyphus reported that he is actually excited to start pushing his boulder again. The Greek myth commented that he’s missed working on a consistent schedule, and is glad to be out of his parents’ house again.

And that’s all for the Doily-er Allergen for today. We thank you for continuing to pick us as your monthly news source, and if you’re just now getting back from the bathroom, then thank you for absolutely nothing. If, however, you listened to this while in the bathroom, here’s a special shout out to your commitment. I’m Phillip Charles Edward Stanley-Michaels, reminding you to visit datamatch-dot-me to fill out our Valentines Day survey, lest you face my wrath. We’ll be back soon with another 30 days worth of news crammed into 30 minutes, and if you enjoy what you’ve heard today we strongly encourage you to spread the word to your friends and enemies alike. Until next time.

(OUTRO MUSIC)

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This article was originally published on The Doily Allergen. View original episode publication here.