The Descent

A One-Act Play

Location:

The main cabin of a commercial flight from Pittsburgh to Boston – two rows of seats stretching across the stage, facing stage right, with an aisle cutting through the rows. One row is angled out so that it is facing closer to downstage, and that all three seats are distinctly visible. The lightning is the semi-dim, blatantly artificial glow of an airliner

Characters:

Pat Radenbeck Late 40s, an art director for an ad agency, wears brown pants and a gray jacket, looks like a well-off author with a touch of pretentious professor, moves directly but slowly, not as though he’s in a rush – carries himself with importance, speaks confidently and firmly, frequently uses sarcasm

Kirsten Radenbeck Almost 18, a high school student nearing college, Pat’s daughter, wears jeans, boots, and a red jacket, looks like someone not especially popular at her school but universally well-liked – the kind of person who gets invited to big parties when the second wave of invitations goes out, moves directly but quicker than her father, speaks in a similar manner (firmly, sarcastically) but with less confidence

Dylan Pagiani Early 30s, disheveled, of an unclear profession, wearing light gray jeans and an old tan canvas jacket, looks like someone who has spent a summer backpacking across the country once or twice, moves quickly, unsteadily, and never stops moving even when he’s sitting down, speaks sporadically and with the tone of a corny dad excitedly lining up for a joke

Jeff Early 50s, a picturesque businessman, wears an ironed shirt, tie, and slacks, speaks briskly and with a certain air of entitlement

Aurora ate 20s, a young mother, wearing black jeans, a college sweater, and a jean jacket, carrying an infant, moves and speaks with an apologetic, nervous air – this is clearly her first time bringing her child onto a plane

Flight Attendant Air Marshall Pilot (voice)

Dialogue Note:

Pat and Kirsten are from Boston but should not have the harsh dropped-R Boston accent associated with it, Dylan is from Texas but has travelled a lot and has only the remnants of a Texas dialect.

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Open on the inside of a commercial airline cabin, nearly full and buzzing with background conversation. A flight attendant stands at the front of the plane on stage right welcoming passengers aboard. As the lights fade up, Pat and Kirsten enter from stage right. The two walk to the downstage-facing row, where Kirsten slips in and snags the window seat before Pat does. PAT Really? KIRSTEN What? PAT You’re leaving me with the middle seat? KIRSTEN I was in front, what do you want me to do? PAT I got knee issues. KIRSTEN You should’ve tried not being old. PAT (hushed) I’ll throw you off this plane. KIRSTEN Good luck, I heard you have knee issues. PAT Fair enough. Eh, I’ll just sit in the aisle one until somebody comes and takes it. (He sits in the aisle seat) Maybe I’ll just get you thrown off the plane instead. Tip off the flight attendant that my knees are fearing for their safety. Aurora passes by the two of them in the aisle, holding her baby close to her chest. PAT (to Aurora) Cute baby. AURORA (nervous) Thank you.. (She moves on to her seat, a couple of rows behind Pat and Kirsten.) PAT (quietly, to Kirsten) Woof. KIRSTEN The baby? (Pat nods, she laughs) What’s for dinner when we get back to Boston? Is mom cooking? Or are we picking up? PAT Oh, dammit, I didn’t text her before we boarded. (He pulls out his phone) Thai food okay? To take home? KIRSTEN Sure, are there any other options? PAT Nope. (He gives Kirsten a mockingly cheerful smile and sends a message.) FLIGHT ATTENDANT (passing through on the aisle) Sir, would you mind putting your phone on silent? And eventually I’m afraid you will have to put it away when we take off. PAT Yep, I was just about to. Thanks for your vigilance. He gives him a wry smile. The flight attendant makes a face, part-confused, part-hurt, and walks away. PAT (to Kirsten) I’ve been on a plane before, thanks. You don’t have to be Batman. KIRSTEN His first day, you think? PAT Oh yeah. A lone passenger comes down the aisle, looking for a spot and eyeing the one by Pat and Kirsten. Pat fake-coughs into the palm of his hand and grabs the handles of his aisle seat. The passenger moves past them. PAT So. What are you thinking so far? Based on what you’ve seen. KIRSTEN Oh, for… colleges? PAT No, for the plane. I just bought it and we live here now. KIRSTEN (shrugs) No Thai food for you up here though. From several rows behind them, Aurora’s baby makes a cheerful noise. The two pause and turs around, then back to each other. PAT That baby better not start crying. KIRSTEN (Laughs) Don’t jinx it! PAT About colleges, though. You narrowing it down at all? KIRSTEN Yeah, I mean, I liked Pitt a lot. Like, I can see myself there. You’re supposed to know when you feel it. PAT Mm. What else is on your list? KIRSTEN What’s that mean? PAT Nothing, I’m just asking what else is still on your list again? I know Boston College is still on there. Did you drop BU? KIRSTEN I think after Pitt and UNC, yeah. I’m realizing I like those, uh… what do they call them… the vertical campuses? Urban campuses? I dunno. I like those less than the traditional ones. Which is kinda funny, I thought I’d prefer those. PAT Ah, yeah. So, BC, BU… KIRSTEN Oh, no, I said no BU. PAT

You just said it was still on the list. Kirsten sighs and shakes her head. This has probably happened before. PAT Those two… Pitt, I suppose… anything else? KIRSTEN (already knowing the answer) What did you think of Pitt? PAT Ehhhhh, I don’t know. I couldn’t see you there. Pittsburgh seems so small, compared to what you’re used to – KIRSTEN Yeah, ‘cause the town where BC is isn’t small. PAT Well, yeah, of course it is. Newton’s tiny. But it’s nearby to things. And I didn’t really like Pittsburgh, the city, as a whole. I can’t see your mom and I visiting there very often, you know? It just didn’t seem like that… I dunno, sophisticated of a place. You know? KIRSTEN Not really. PAT I mean, it’s fine. But nobody we know has even heard of Pitt before, as a college. It just doesn’t seem like you. Oh, and that tour guide… (He turns around as he remembers the baby and lowers his voice significantly) she was a piece of shit. I mean, she was just flat-out disrespectful. Not just to us, either. I could tell most of the other parents on the tour were pissed. KIRSTEN (Laughs) Twenty dollars she dropped pre-med in her first week ‘cause it was too hard and changed to dance or something. PAT (Laughs) Totally. I— (He is cut off by an announcement) FLIGHT ATTENDANT (having moved back to the front of the plane, talking into a speaker) Attention passengers, we are currently closing the gates for flight 540 out of Pittsburgh, and we’ll be departing for Boston momentarily. This is a full flight (Pat and Kirsten both look at the empty middle seat) so if your luggage does not fit below the seats, please let us know so we can check the bag for you. In the meantime, please pay attention as we review our safety – PAT (to Kirsten) Nice – no middle seat. Score. FLIGHT ATTENDANT We request that you keep your seat belt fastened at all points in the flight to – From offstage comes the pounding footsteps of somebody running. And then a voice. DYLAN (offstage still) Wait! Wait! DYLAN comes racing through the door at the last possible second, stopping in front of the flight attendant and dramatically catching his breath. He hands his ticket to the flight attendant, who tentatively accepts it and then continues with his speech, making hand motions and speaking softly so that the attention remains on Dylan. DYLAN (walking down the aisle)

Sorry about that, everyone. Hope you weren’t waiting too long. (he stops at Pat’s and Kirsten’s row). You two mind if I pop in here? I got the aisle seat here, I’m really sorry to make y’all move. PAT Yeah, okay. DYLAN Thanks buddy. Pat unbuckles and slides over into the middle seat, shooting Kirsten an annoyed glance as he does. Kirsten snickers. Dylan sits, leaning back against his seat, breathing heavy. He taps his leg restlessly on the floor, bouncing his knee to a beat nobody else hears. FLIGHT ATTENDANT Thank you all for giving me your close attention. We’ll be on our way shortly. KIRSTEN But anyway, even if the tour guide sucked, I really liked it. I mean, how your tour guide acts isn’t how the whole campus is gonna act. Plus, their dorms were really nice. Also, it sounds like they have more research stuff for me here than at the other two. Oh, and also-also, I don’t know if I’d like how hot and humid it’d get at UNC compared to out there. PAT UNC’s still on the list? KIRSTEN Yeah, it always – I brought it up in this conversation! PAT Are you sure? KIRSTEN I’m positive. Your early-onset Alzheimer’s is showing. PAT But if the weather’s no good, you could narrow it down to just BC and BU. (Kirsten looks at him) What? KIRSTEN And… PAT (flapping his hands) And Pitt. KIRSTEN Yeah, I guess, but the weather, that’s kinda a shallow thing to make your final decision on. Right? Like if UNC has the best research stuff for me, then I have to go there and just suck it up about the weather. PAT I thought you said Pitt had the best research. KIRSTEN I think so, not sure yet. That’s what I’m trying to figure out between the three we talked about. DYLAN Whatever you do, don’t go to UNC. (Pat and Kirsten both look at him) Couldn’t help but overhear you two. Talking about colleges, right? I just thought I might throw in my two cents – not UNC. Had a friend who went there, said the dorms were full of cicadas. KIRSTEN Cicadas? DYLAN Yeah, they’re like giant flies that make this crazy loud buzzing noise. Sounds like a lawnmower. Where I grew up, when they could out of the ground, you can’t even hear yourself think. Anyways, my friend said the dorms were full of ‘em. KIRSTEN Really? The dorms seemed so nice when – DYLAN Oh, you should’ve seen these bastards. Big as your hand. Said they got in through the air vents and nest all in your clothes. He’d always have to shake out his jackets in the morning and half a dozen would come flying out, buzzing around like a freeway. PAT (grimacing) Jesus. (to Kirsten) Better not go there. KIRSTEN Seems like they would’ve mentioned that. PAT That’s literally the last thing they would’ve mentioned. Trust me, I do this for a living. DYLAN Not to mentions if you do go to UNC, I have to hate you for the rest of my life. I’m a Duke guy myself. Born in Austin, raised in Tallahassee, college in Raleigh, class of ’08. Go Blue Devils. (Pause) Sorry for intruding, by the way. I couldn’t help but overhear. I’m Dylan Pagiani. PAT Pat Radenbeck. This is Kirsten, my daughter and the reason we’ve been travelling all over the place. DYLAN Pat? Cool, and Kirsten? Nice. Kirsten… that’s a cool name. I like it. Crisp. Sounds like opening a can. KIR-stennnn. (Pat and Kirsten look at one another) KIR-stennnn. Anyways, I take it y’all aren’t from Pennsylvania then… whereabouts? PAT Boston. We’re heading home now. DYLAN Really? (He leans forward) That’s perfect! I’m looking for someone from Boston. I’m going out there to visit a friend, and I need some stuff to do while he’s at work. Anything come to mind for you two? PAT Where’s your friend live? DYLAN I wanna say he said… Camburge? PAT Cambridge? DYLAN YEAH, that’s the one. KIRSTEN Well, then you’re pretty close to Harvard, so you could always check that out. It’s a really nice area, great for walking. Oh, and if you walk down Newbury Street – that’s a little further away than Harvard will be, but it’s a really cool area. Lots of shops and restaurants, it’s like a giant plaza, I guess, lots of trees. PAT Eh… Newbury’s really expensive though (He gives Dylan a quick glance over) if you wanted to actually buy something there. They’re really, you know, high-end brands. But if you do like walking, you should definitely go to the Commons. It won’t be very green this time of year, but it’s still beautiful. In a different way. DYLAN (scribbling all this down on a receipt in his pocket) Okayyyy… what about food-wise… what do I have to check out? KIRSTEN I mean. Literally anything in the North End. Best Italian you’ll ever have. PAT I feel like we’re just giving you all the cliches here, but… seafood. Clam chowder specifically. You can’t go wrong with it pretty much anywhere out there. DYLAN Meh. I’m more of a Manhattan chowder guy myself. Can’t stand that taste of the New England stuff. Pat and Kirsten fall silent. They exchange a horrified glance. KIRSTEN You… you…

DYLAN

(begins to laugh- a short, knife-like cackle) I’m just messing around. I’m sure whatever you BAH-ston people got cookin’ up there is just as good.

PAT (interjecting)

Better.

DYLAN Better, maybe even. I just tried some of y’all’s clam chowder at a place outside of Sioux Falls one time, and… (shakes head). Got food poisoning like I’ve never had it before. So New England chowder got kinda put on my no-fly list, you know? (At the words “no-fly list,” a couple of passengers poke their heads up, then resume what they were doing before.) I’ll try it here though. For sure. Thanks for all your help, I would’ve been lost if –

PILOT (over speaker) Cabin secure. Flight attendants we are cleared for takeoff. DYLAN Goddamn, I hate the announcements these guys make. Just let us enjoy the fucking flight, right? I just hate being interrupted. PAT There’s a baby two rows back. Maybe don’t drop that word so loud. DYLAN What, fuck? Who cares? Babies don’t make memories til they’re what, three months old? (Pause) Come one, that kid won’t remember it. Can’t tell me I’m wrong here, that’s just brain science. PAT Still, it’s – DYLAN Still nothing, Pat. You’re fine. Okay? You can say it if you want. Let’s hear it. Just a tiny, little one. Just one little ‘fuck,’ Pat. Pat rolls his eyes and leans back in his seat. Kirsten looks from Dylan to Pat. DYLAN Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat… PAT C’mon. Quit chanting, I’m not gonna do it. DYLAN Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat… Jeff turns around from the aisle seat in front of Dylan, and locks eyes with him. JEFF Would it be a terrible inconvenience for you chant a little quieter? Or not at all, preferably. I’m trying to focus up here. Dylan stares at him, then smiles and nods. DYLAN Sure thing. Sorry about that. Jeff turns back around. Dylan turns back to Pat and Kirsten and mocks Jeff – mouth twisted in a grimace, eyes closed in a high-and-mighty kind of way, head bobbing back and forth. Pat gives a breath of amusement and Kirsten stifles a laugh. The plane begins to taxi, rumbling slightly at first then picking up, then fading out as the plane lifts off the ground. Dylan leans toward the window, crushing Pat a little bit, watching in stupefied fascination as the runway speeds by. Kirsten stiffens in her seat and grips the edges of her armrests. DYLAN Beautiful, isn’t it? PAT It’s pretty amazing to see the city from an aerial view. Would be even more amazing if somebody hadn’t taken the window seat. KIRSTEN (winced) Oh, get over yourself. DYLAN Is something wrong? PAT No, she’s just allergic to the takeoff and landings on airplanes. KIRSTEN Once we’re up in the air I’m fine. PAT And yet she left her own father with the middle seat…. (He shakes his head) That window seat could’ve gone to someone who would appreciate it fully. DYLAN There are starving kids all over the world who would kill for that window seat. KIRSTEN (ignoring them) Gum helps. DYLAN Oh, do you want some? KIRSTEN (Looks over) Yeah, if you have some, that’d be great. DYLAN You should’ve packed some then. (He laughs, the same cackle as before) Sorry… sorry… Pat stifles a laugh, reaches into his carryon bag, and hands Kirsten some gum. She takes it gratefully. Dylan pats his pockets. DYLAN Shit. Either of you two have a cigarette? (Beat – Pat and Kirsten stare at him.) PAT Have you been on a plane since like, 1950? DYLAN (Grinning) I’m not stupid, I’m gonna go to the bathroom. KIRSTEN There’s a smoke detector in there, isn’t there? DYLAN They’re easy to take the batteries out of. No harm no foul if they don’t catch you. Do you guys have any though? Pat and Kirsten shake their heads. Dylan goes back to his own thoughts. Pat and Kirsten give one another a look, almost laughing. The three sit in silence. Kirsten closes her eyes and chews the gum. Pat bends down again and takes a book out of his backpack. Dylan taps his legs, agitated, restless. Abruptly, he extends his hands toward Pat, his index fingers extended. An invitation to play Chopsticks. Pat looks up from his book, sees Dylan, and makes a finger gun motion back at him. Then goes back to reading. DYLAN (Grinning) No! (He retracts his fingers and the extends them again, renewing the invitation.) PAT What’s going on? (He extends his own fingers) What’s this mean? DYLAN You don’t know this? PAT “This?” DYLAN This. It’s that game. I forget the name of it, but you tap your fingers together and you add up fingers. PAT Nothing you just said made even the slightest bit of sense. KIRSTEN It’s called Chopsticks. You take turns tapping fingers together, so like, when he taps your one finger with his one finger, you have two fingers. Then you tap his one finger with two, and that hand has three. PAT (Shakes his head in confusion) I’m okay. I think I’ll just read, thanks. DYLAN Oh, sure. Whatcha reading? PAT (Closes the book) Catcher In The Rye. DYLAN Is it any good? I heard it’s great. One of my friends in college did a report or a thesis or something on it. Said the character’s pretty interesting. PAT You could say that. He’s crazy, isn’t he? KIRSTEN He’s not crazy, right? He just sorta… doesn’t always tell the truth. The story’s told through his eyes, and he’s like an unreliable narrator, right? So, there’s going to be some things that he exaggerates or, I don’t know, misinterprets. That’s what our English teacher said anyways. DYLAN Yeah, I mean, nothing wrong with a little lying here and there. Can’t tell me you never told a lie to anyone. PAT Well… not really… I try to always tell the truth. KIRSTEN (Laughing) Not about Pitt. PAT What are you talking about? I said what I thought of Pitt. I really don’t think I’ve told a lie to… KIRSTEN Oh – excuse you, Santa Claus. Dylan begins laughing. PAT Okay, that’s – KIRSTEN You work in advertising, you literally just said you wouldn’t have mentioned the cicadas at UNC! Pat shakes his head and chuckles. DYLAN (Cackling again) You guys are too much. I’m gonna have to pee before I go in my seat. Dylan unbuckles his seatbelt and begins to walk down the aisle. The flight attendant sees him and stands. FLIGHT ATTENDANT Oh, uh – sir, the seatbelt sign hasn’t been turned off yet. I’m going to have to ask you to wait until then. DYLAN (still walking down the aisle, facing away from the flight attendant) It’s all good. I have good balance. FLIGHT ATTENDANT Sir, we can’t have you standing while we’re ascending! Dylan exits stage left, ignoring the attendant. The attendant sits back down. PAT (to Kirsten) Jesus, he’s friendly. KIRSTEN He’s out there, that’s for sure. (Laughs) At least he seems nice though. Most of the time. He’s not, like, a racist or a sociopath or something. PAT (Smiling) Low bar. (Pause) You think you’ll rule out UNC then? KIRSTEN I’m not sure. I’ll see. PAT Goooo Cicadas! KIRSTEN I don’t know… I feel like someone would’ve said something if there really were cicadas everywhere. (Pat gives her a look.) Not like the school, obviously they wouldn’t, I mean the students. Someone would say something. (Beat) Maybe it’s just thing from a while ago. I mean, he said he was in the class of ’08. Could’ve been just when he went there. Or his friend or whatever. PAT Coulda been. KIRSTEN I’m also surprised that – he said he went to Duke, right? He didn’t say anything about cicadas being there and those schools are like, right next to one another. I don’t know, I still don’t like the weather though. But it’s not off my list yet. PAT (Nods silently) You know, your mom will be bummed if you pick UNC. She’d miss you. KIRSTEN (Shaking her head) You guys’ll miss me whichever school I pick. PAT We’d miss you more at certain schools. Like I said, I don’t know how much we’d come visit you at Pitt. Same goes for UNC. Especially if there’s cicadas in the dorms, I mean – KIRSTEN Mom said she liked UNC. PAT (Shrugs) Just sayin’. (Beat) Honestly, I don’t even understand why you’re still considering it. I can’t stand bugs. KIRSTEN (chuckling) You’re not the one who has to live with them. PAT But I have to live knowing you’re living with them. KIRSTEN (gives him a look) Pff. I’m sure you’ll get by, I’m not moving to a gulag. It’s just bugs. I’ll manage, and you’re at home 5,000 miles away from them. PAT But you’re… sort of like an extension, no that’s the wrong wording… if you’re living in the bug dorms, it’s like I’m living in the bug dorms, or like your mom and I are, and we don’t want people to think of us as bug dorm people, you know? None of us are those people. KIRSTEN (Beat, then irritated) So “extension of you” was the right wording. PAT No, it’s because – KIRSTEN That’s so stupid, I can’t go somewhere I want to because you don’t want to be a bug dorm person, whatever that is? What if I like cicadas? They sound cool! PAT Okay, one, you don’t mean that, I know you and you also don’t like bugs. KIRSTEN You don’t have to deal with them, so what’s the big deal for me doing it? I mean, we’re still family obviously but it’s not like I’m always reflecting on you and mom forever – PAT Yeah, that’s where you’re wrong, people always look to the kids to judge the parents. It’s even a little worse for you since you’re our only kid, it’s like – KIRSTEN Who said they’re even judging – PAT Everyone’s judging, always. That’s just how the world is. You don’t know that yet, because your mom and I sheltered you, but that’s how it is. KIRSTEN So, I should make every decision based on what people think of it? PAT I’m not saying that, I’m just saying you take it into account at least. KIRSTEN (whisper-yelling) What, then? You want me to take it off the list? That’s the goal of all this? Fine! Whatever! (Beat, then softly) I don’t get why it matters. PAT (also softly) I promise you, it does. Long silence between them. PAT It’s just that you’re better than those schools, you know? We both know you are. KIRSTEN If I was, I would’ve gotten into the other schools. PAT Those ones weren’t that great either, didn’t you think? Same deal as these ones, just, in such random areas, right? You’re material for a BC, BU-type school, and personally, I think it’s a pretty stupid decision to go to a place where… big fish, small pond, right? KIRSTEN So I’m stupid now? PAT I didn’t say that, you’re not stupid. You’re not. The decision is stupid. KIRSTEN I don’t want to talk about this anymore. PAT It’s… (He trails off) Another long, empty silence. KIRSTEN Mom say anything about food? PAT (checks phone) Not yet. (Another silence.) KIRSTEN (A cautious optimism dons on her face) You want to mess with Dylan? Tell him I decided to commit to UNC while he was in the bathroom? PAT (His expression lightens) Oh. Well, yeah! Get him back for that Manhattan chowder bit. God, I can’t believe I fell for that. I mean – Manhattan clam chowder? (He begins laughing) Really? KIRSTEN (Laughing, less enthusiastic) So much for you being the sarcasm master if you fell for that one! As the two continue laughing, Jeff ahead of them sighs loudly. He digs into his bag and pulls out a pair of noise-cancelling headphones. He makes a big show of putting them on, shooting a glare back at the seats behind him. When he turns back around, Pat gives him the finger, and Kirsten laughs. Pat covers his hand so that the gesture is only visible to himself and Kirsten. Dylan comes sauntering down the aisle and takes his seat. His knee begins tapping again. DYLAN (Playing with the seat belt) I’m not dealing with this anymore. Uncomfortable. (Beat) What’d I miss? KIRSTEN Not too much. We just played a little game of Chopsticks. Also, I decided where I’m gonna go to college! Dylan grimaces at the Chopsticks comment, puzzled, but lightens up at the college news. DYLAN No kidding, where? KIRSTEN UNC! Dylan’s grin vanishes as fast as it appeared. His friendliness seems to die within him. His leg freezes. DYLAN Really? PAT Aren’t you proud of her? DYLAN I-I-I… what… what about the cicadas? I… I really think you’re making a mistake here. KIRSTEN I googled them and it turns out I’m a huge fan of cicadas. They’re just so cute! DYLAN No, no… you fucking… (He pauses. His eyes turn to a friendly squint as he realizes what’s going on.) You’re just messing with me, aren’t you? (Kirsten begins to smile, and he exhales.) Ah, fuck. PAT Hey, hey, hey, quieter. There’s still a kid behind – DYLAN (ignoring him) Yeah, you guys got me. That was good. Wow, you guys got me. PAT (to Kirsten) Did you break? You totally did, right? KIRSTEN Come on, it’s hard not to! PAT Clearly, I haven’t trained you well enough. DYLAN You guys do this kind of thing a lot? PAT Oh, all the time. Half the conversations we have in restaurants are just figuring out how to mess with the tables next to us, or the waiter, or somebody. DYLAN (Grinning wildly) That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard. Can we do it now? I wanna try it! PAT What, just… messing with people? You can do that whenever you want. KIRSTEN It helps if you know the person a little bit. You could start planning something for when you see your friend in Cambridge… DYLAN Cambridge? KIRSTEN Yeah, you said your friend lived there. DYLAN I don’t know anybody in Boston. (Bouncing back) Who should we do? The – (He lowers his voice to a whisper) the guy sitting ahead of me, maybe? He seems like he could stand to loosen – The flight attendant, who has been making his way down the plane aisle rolling a cart of drinks, comes to stop at the row of seats where Kirsten, Pat, and Dylan are sitting. FLIGHT ATTENDANT Pardon me, would you three care for some drinks? KIRSTEN Sprite, please. PAT Ginger ale. DYLAN (A smile growing on his face) What he’s having. The flight attendant hands them three cans respectively, then hands them clear cups. They all thank her, and she moves on. The three begin to pour their drinks into their glasses. PAT You were saying? DYLAN I have an idea, okay? Just watch. Pat takes a sip from his cup. As he does, Dylan stands slowly and leans over Jeff’s seat in front of him. Pat looks around the plane, checking if anyone is watching Dylan, then continues to watch him eagerly. Kirsten watches in concern. Dylan dips his fingers into his ginger ale and raises them up over Jeff’s head. A droplet falls. Jeff doesn’t react. KIRSTEN He said not to bother him, it feels weird to… Dylan repeats. Another droplet falls, and still no reaction. Dylan looks crestfallen. Pat’s grin fades to disappointment. Then Dylan’s eyes light up again. He picks up his cup and slowly begins to tilt it over Jeff’s head. KIRSTEN (hushed) Dylan, hang on, that’s a little too— Dylan doesn’t stop. A just-noticeable amount of ginger ale falls from the rim of the cup and dribbles onto Jeff’s head, and he notices. Dylan quickly retracts his hand as Jeff looks upward to the overhead containers, then wipes his hair and shakes off his hand. Dylan is biting his knuckle, trying to laugh. Pat is right there with him. Kirsten takes a nervous sip of sprite – this is definitely not what she had in mind.

Dylan tries for another. This time, he pours it over Jeff’s head. Pat, mid-sip, sputters into his drink. The drink soaks over Jeff’s hair and drips down his face. Jeff tears his headphones off and whirls his head around and up, looking around in annoyance. He wipes his hair and sniffs it, then stands and moves to the row behind him. JEFF (quiet but fuming) What the fuck is going on here? PAT Hey, there’s a baby back there. (He gestures a few rows behind him) Jeff gives Aurora and her baby a cursory but apologetic glance, then returns to Dylan and Pat. JEFF Any of you three happen to know why there’s ginger ale in my hair? DYLAN Is this, like, the setup to a joke? Uh, ‘why’s there ginger ale in your hair?’ JEFF This is serious, you asshole, you could’ve ruined my headphones. DYLAN Wait, why am I the asshole all of a sudden? JEFF (He points at Dylan’s half-empty ginger ale) You mean to tell me you’re not the reason there’s soda on my head? DYLAN I don’t recall putting soda on your head. Maybe it’s leaking from somewhere? JEFF (Beat) You think the plane’s leaking ginger ale? DYLAN Ginger ale is typical airplane soda. JEFF You’re unbelievable, you know that? Do you have some kind of problem with me, motherfu— (He remembers the baby and stops himself, quieting down). PAT Baby. JEFF (Scoffs) Yeah. Nice try. PAT Nice try? What’s that supposed to mean, I’m just trying not to swear around it – I’m trying to do the right thing here. JEFF Sure. Keep telling yourself that. You’re not off the hook, either. If this asshole (He throws an accusatory thumb at Dylan) did anything, you would’ve seen it, but as far as I can tell you two are still best friends, just sitting back here laughing and chanting together. So, to me, you’re just as much at fault as he is. PAT Look, I didn’t see a thing. JEFF Oh my – how is that even – ? (He whirls back on Dylan.) I don’t know if you’re trying to get back at me for telling you to quiet down earlier, but if it is, too bad. We’re on an airplane, it’s a goddamn public place. If you got a problem with being quiet, suck it up. Other passengers are starting to watch. DYLAN But… if hypothetically you think I’m trying to get back at you for that… that’d hypothetically mean that you’d done something wrong. Right? Which would me you’re at fault for this. So… it’s a good thing I’m not the one who poured soda on you. JEFF You’re fucking unbelievable! You really think I’d buy that? You have a half-empty glass of ginger ale right in front of you! Do you think I’m stupid? DYLAN I’m just confused why it has to be me. I mean, he’s got a half-full ginger ale too. (He gestures at Pat and pauses.) Just sayin’. Pat freezes. He stares at Dylan, stunned. DYLAN It could’ve been either of us. But it wasn’t me. (He takes a smug sip of ginger ale.) JEFF (seething with rage) I don’t know what the fuck is going on back here, but one of you two did this, and I’m not sitting back down until I find out which of you did! (The flight attendant is rushing over) FLIGHT ATTENDANT Sir! I need you to sit down. DYLAN Thank you – it’s about time, he’s been bothering us over nothing. Jeff grabs Dylan’s ginger ale and attempts to throw it on Dylan. Dylan reacts just fast enough and deflects the drink onto Pat. Jeff raises an accusatory finger at Dylan, and the flight attendant ushers Jeff off the front of the stage. Down the plane, Aurora’s baby begins to cry. She tries desperately to hush it, to no avail.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT (*overlapping) Sir – Sir! Please sit down, or – no, I’m going to – Sir! Please come to the front of the cabin with me. We can sort this out. JEFF (*overlapping) I knew it was you! I fucking knew it! ... Get off me, I can walk!

Dylan composes himself and leans back in his seat. Pat wipes off his jacket with his hand; Kirsten hands him her napkin from her drink and he snatches it away and begins to dab the soda away. The plane goes quiet – the only noise is of the baby crying, in sharp, high-pitched wails.

AURORA (softly, to no one passenger in particular)

Sorry… sorry. I’m really sorry.

PAT

What was that?

DYLAN What was what?

PAT Throwing me under the bus like that. And pushing your drink onto me, what was that about?

DYLAN That was part of the idea. He would’ve known it was me if I hadn’t done that to mess with him.

PAT Putting your shitty idea on me, that was always part of the idea?

DYLAN

Well, it wasn’t shitty. You were having fun until then, right? And yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but you played it off well. I appreciate you covering for me.

PAT Yeah, well next time, don’t try and wrap me up in it.

DYLAN

You were having fun until then, right?

PAT

Leave me alone. I gotta get this out of my jacket.

DYLAN

Sorry about the jacket. You’re the one who told me to mess with him though. You said you mess with people all the time.

PAT That’s different. No risk of getting ginger ale thrown all over me.

DYLAN

How’s it different? It’s tricking someone for your amusement, right? Pat, that’s the same thing.

PAT

Just be fucking quiet. Go play chopsticks or something.

DYLAN

(His grin widens) There it is…

PAT There’s what?

DYLAN

That one little “fuck.” Told ya you could do it.

(Pat sits still and leans his head back against the seat. Silence, except for the hum of the plan’s engine and the screeching cries of the baby behind them. Pat closes his eyes.)

KIRSTEN

Told you not the jinx the baby crying.

PAT

I don’t want to deal with jinxes right now.

(Pause. Dylan turns to Pat, studying him)

DYLAN

I’m sorry, Pat. I can tell I hurt ya there. I’m really sorry.

PAT (sighing, shaking his head)

Don’t worry about it.

(Pause. The baby keeps crying: AAAANH AAAANH AAAANH…)

AURORA

I’m so so sorry…

(She stands and begins to bounce the baby, trying to coax it back to sleep. It doesn’t work.

AAAANH AAAANH…)

PAT

God, I’m gonna kill that kid.

KIRSTEN

Jesus, they should build a separate soundproof cabin for anyone who brings a baby on a plane.

PAT There’s gotta be some kind of law against that.

KIRSTEN

Who’s making laws about that exact scenario?

PAT

Ethical laws, maybe.

KIRSTEN

It’s not like that cabin would be airtight or something.

DYLAN

There was a Supreme Court case on it. (Beat, Dylan grins) Separate cannot be equal. Brown v. Board of Education, 1954.

Kirsten gives a weak laugh. She’s not sure she wants to engage him again.

DYLAN

Hey, Kirsten? KIR-stennnn – sorry. Jumping back to your colleges, did you actually decide? Or was that just the bit?

KIRSTEN (deciding it seems a harmless enough question)

No, I’m still considering. Pittsburgh and U… sorry, and Boston College right now. (Dylan nods and smiles.)

PAT (to Dylan)

And BU.

Kirsten rubs a hand over her eyes and looks out the window, arms crossed. Pause.

KIRSTEN

It is pretty up here. It’s so high up you barely even register it as a distance, you know?

DYLAN

Yeah. With the plane too, it’s moving so fast but… everything feels like it’s going in slo-mo. Out there and in here. Right? (Beat) Feels like the DMV a little bit.

Aurora’s baby is stillcrying. The other passengers fidget uncomfortably. Some begin putting on headphones.

AURORA (looking around, visibly upset)

I’m really really sorry about this. I’m trying… (she trails off)

(Her sincere apology is drowned out by AAAANH. AAAANH. AAAAAANH.)

KIRSTEN

Would be a lot prettier without that going on.

PAT (has gotten the soda off his jacket)

Is it okay to suspend those ethical laws we were talking about if a baby just won’t stop crying?

KIRSTEN I’d say it depends on how much you’re willing to suspend them.

PAT

Throwing the kid out of the plane would be overboard, right?

KIRSTEN

You know, I think some people might consider that murder?

PAT

Hmmmm. Well, what really is “ethical,” you know? (He breaks a smile)

KIRSTEN (Also smiling)

Well, ethics is pretty subjective. I mean, what we say is ethical might not be what someone else says is ethical. If you throw someone off a plane for being annoying, some people might disagree, and others might be fine with it.

DYLAN (Pensively)

Yeah, plus part of ethics is the motivation for doing something, right? So, if you threw a baby out of the plane for the right reasons, people might be more accepting of it, right? So, if you have a solid reason behind it, it could be seen as ethical.

PAT

What if I just like, don’t want to hear it crying? Is that good enough?

KIRSTEN

(Laughs) If I was on the jury, I wouldn’t buy it.

Dylan shrugs. Pat doesn’t see his reaction; Kirsten does. She looks at Dylan with curiosity the evolves into worry.

PAT

No, what you’d need is some way to calm the kid down without doing any harm. Anesthesia, maybe?

KIRSTEN (phasing out of the joke and keeping an eye on Dylan)

Maybe some sort of lullaby? Just a thought.

PAT

That’s crazy talk.

DYLAN

Yeah, the mom’s already trying that. You’d have to go over and cover its mouth or something.

PAT

If only some valiant hero would rise to the occasion—

KIRSTEN

Dad.

PAT

It’s fine. Nobody can hear us.

Kirsten nudges him. Pat turns to her, and she stares at Dylan, hinting him to look. Pat follows her gaze. Dylan is sitting still for the first time in the play, staring at the seat ahead of him, scratching his upper lip with one finger. Pat stops talking. A long, ugly pause. In the background, the crying is still going strong. AAAANH. AAAAANH. AAAAANH.

KIRSTEN (whispered, to Pat)

I feel really bad for the mom. You can tell she’s trying.

PAT

Yeah, I do too. She kind of should’ve known not to bring her kid on the plane, though. This is bound to happen. (He sighs. Then, very quietly) I just wish the kid would quiet down.

Dylan suddenly turns to stare at Pat. Pat jumps at the movement and turns to face him. Dylan’s eyes are glassy, empty, cold. His eyes lock with Pat’s and it’s as if Pat can read Dylan’s mind.

Then Dylan breaks eye contact and stands.

PAT

Dylan, Dylan! Stop!

Dylan starts down the aisle toward Aurora and her baby. Without any hesitation, he claps his hand over the baby’s mouth and nostrils. And holds it there. The plane is too stunned to do anything but watch. Aurora stares at Dylan in horror. Pat fumbles with the seatbelt and stands, starting after Dylan.

Aurora’s trance breaks. She pulls the baby away. Dylan lunges. His arm reaches the baby again and Aurora goes to pull it away again, and Dylan stiff-arms her, hitting her cheek with a flat hand and pushing her away. He goes to cover the now wailing baby’s mouth again, and Pat reaches him just in time to grab his shoulder and push him away. Dylan hits the row of seats next to him, then turns and looks at Pat with a face of betrayal.

At the same time, an AIR MARSHAL stands at the far stage-left side of the plane, and the flight attendant rushes in from stage right. The Marshal reaches Dylan and pushes him into the seats, then pulls his arm behind his back and handcuffs him. Dylan is still looking at Pat. Everyone else on the plane is watching Dylan.

DYLAN (to Pat)

Why’d you stop me? I was… you were mad at me, right? Before? I could tell I hurt you earlier with the ginger ale, I was trying to do you a favor? You said you –

PAT (in shock, disgusted)

I didn’t… I never –

DYLAN

That’s a lie! I heard you!

(The Marshal finishing cuffing Dylan and begins to move him up toward the back of the plane)

Hey, hey, let me the fuck go! I did it because you asked me, Pat! You can’t tell me you weren’t thinking it! You all were thinking it, sitting down there, judging me. You said you wanted to kill it, Pat! You’re gonna let me take the fall for this one? What is this, some kind of retribution for the ginger ale? Two wrongs don’t make a right, Pat! I told you I was sorry! Let go of me! I only did it because you said to! You practically ordered me, motherfucker!

PAT (breathlessly)

You…

The flight attendant is at Aurora’s side. Aurora picks up her baby and heads to the front of the plane, clutching her baby close and checking to make sure it is breathing okay. Pat moves out of her way and does not make eye contact.

Dylan is dragged offstage and audibly struggles with the Marshal, yelling the whole time.

DYLAN

Get the fuck off me, bitch. (There is a slamming sound, and the air marshal loudly groans.) Pat!

There is a thwack sound, followed by a thud, and Dylan falls quiet.

Pat sits back down, in the middle seat. The airplane is buzzing with ambient chatter now, but Pat and Kirsten sit silent and motionless for some time. Kirsten routinely glances up at her dad, studying him and saying nothing.

Then eventually:

KIRSTEN

Are… are you…

PAT

Fine. (Beat) Thank you.

KIRSTEN

What’re you thinking?

PAT

I’m fine.

KIRSTEN

Come on, I always answer you when you ask me that.

Pat says nothing.

KIRSTEN

You stopped him, you know.

PAT

If I hadn’t, someone else would’ve.

KIRSTEN

I’m just saying, he’s with the air marshal now. He can’t do it again.

Silence.

PAT You know that he’s right.

KIRSTEN Huh?

PAT You know he wasn’t lying. “You said you wanted to kill it, Pat.” You heard me say that.

KIRSTEN

People say all kinds of things.

PAT (still not looking up at her, eyes pleading and on the verge of tears)

But did I mean it? (Beat) I don’t know. I mean, I know how I felt, and it was… like an ocean of anger and frustration. That fucking baby, just ‘aaaaanh, aaaanh, aaaanh’ – oh, God. (His breathing turns shaky)

KIRSTEN But you didn’t –

PAT

But it doesn’t matter. I did mean it. I knew I wasn’t going to do it, but I felt like I was. And I had the thought go through my head. Isn’t that enough?

KIRSTEN

Enough?

PAT

Enough to be… (he can’t say it)

KIRSTEN

Oh. No… no, you’re not a bad person… is that what you’re saying? (Pat nods, head in hands) You’re not! I know you’re not. I had the same thought you did, I’m sure half the people here had that thought. He was right about that too.

PAT You can say that but… it’s not working. It’s not making me think it’s true. I want it to be, but…. And what if I can’t hear it from you either? Hearing it from you is like hearing it from myself.

KIRSTEN (recoiling slightly at this)

Is it this again? The “extension of you” stuff –

PAT

No, not that. If… if I’m a bad person, and I’m the one who raised you, how can I tell…. Either I gave you advice on how to live and grow in this world as a bad person, and you’re a bad person because I taught you how to be one, or. (Beat) Or you’re a good person who became that because you never listened to me. Because if I’m bad, then you’re good because you think of me as bad and always thought of me that way, and we were never as close as I thought, and… and even then you still can’t tell whether I’m bad or not. Which means you’ll go out there in the world and you won’t be able to see some people for what they are.

KIRSTEN

Dad –

PAT

And the bastard said it in front of the whole damn plane too! All these people!

KIRSTEN He called them out too though. For the same thing!

PAT (Shaking his head – he’s in a state beyond crying)

Not like me. They all know I told him to do it. They know… I hope they know that it wasn’t – it was never what I was trying to do, but they know I had the thought. Everyone else… they all get to walk away without people knowing. They get some… some doubt, that the thought, the desire to hurt a kid, a little fucking kid, Kirsten, wasn’t in their heads. You know? With me they know. They know that he wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t have the thought first, and feel it enough to share with him. They all know.

KIRSTEN

So, what, we’re never gonna see them again. It’s an airplane—

PAT

But we have to land! We go back to the world after this, but it all still happened! People are going to tell their spouses, people are going to tell their coworkers! You think people are gonna remember me as the guy who helped stop it? I’m the guy in their stories who started it in the first place!

KIRSTEN

It’s not binary though, right? You don’t have to just be one or the other.

PAT

I know. But it’s not just this! I did too with the guy sitting in front of us. You were right, it was too far. And you were right, messing with him was uncalled for. But I stood up for that piece of shit, and I didn’t even feel bad about it until now! (Silence, Kirsten thinks.) And with you, earlier. I mean, I was basically gaslighting you, right? You kept saying no to BU, and I kept forcing it back in…

KIRSTEN

To be fair, it never really worked…

PAT

But that’s not the point! With that one, I don’t even know if I feel bad about it! I know it’s wrong, and especially wrong to do it to your family… but I can’t have you go away! I can’t lose you!

There’s a long silence between the two of them. The chatter from the rest of the plane is still going strong.

KIRSTEN:

Do you remember coming to a parent-student school day thing back in fifth grade? Where some of the parents went through their kids’ classes with them? And at recess, all the moms and dads were sitting over in the shade while the kids all played? I was playing four-square, and Ella Woodward – you remember her, down the street, she moved to Atlanta in eighth grade – she got Bailey Carvel out, and Bailey started coming after her. Started calling her names, and drop-kicked the ball straight into Ella’s face, and pegging her head with it when she went down?

I remember seeing that and looking over at the parents to see what they’d do about it. Most of them stood up to try and figure out what exactly was going on. I remember seeing this look in your eyes, like you… (Beat) like this was the last straw because there was already too much bad in the world. When you started walking over I got really scared, I’m not gonna lie. I was still happy somebody was doing something, but… yeah.

I remember you just standing there, staring at Bailey, and she was staring back at you, and you daring her to throw the ball again. She didn’t, I remember that much. (She gives a short laugh) She was so scared of you. I remember watching you with this mix of admiration that you stood up to her when all the other parents didn’t and horror that you were gonna do something. You wanted to. I could tell. Eye for an eye style. But you didn’t. You knew stooping down to her level wouldn’t do anything. That’s what made it so great. (Beat) I don’t think that’s a lesson that a bad person could teach, you know?

(Pause) I know who I think you are, okay, Dad? And it’s not a bad person.

Pat is silent but shaking. A moment passes.

KIRSTEN

Dad. I’m going to go to Pittsburgh.

Pat finally looks back up at her.

PAT

Wh – why?

KIRSTEN It’s where I want to be.

At this, Pat finally begins to cry.

PAT

Please… please don’t. You know what people are going to ask me… about how you’re doing out in some random place like Pennsylvania, and about you going to a school none of them have heard of, and about whether I’m proud of where you’re at, and about you being ready to leave home, and what it’s like with you gone, and I can’t…. I need them not to ask, I can’t answer them.

KIRSTEN You have to.

PAT

I can’t without you there. You… you know me, you know who I am… even when I don’t. When you’re gone, it’s everybody else’s opinions of me that matter, and I don’t know if I can be who you think I am.

KIRSTEN

You’ll have Mom, won’t you?

PAT

No, no no no no, You don’t –

KIRSTEN Why – are you and Mom okay? – What’s going on?

PAT

No, nothing, it’s not like that. We’re fine, we’re great… just… it’s different for Mom. It’s different for everybody else. Your mom knows me a certain way… in a certain context… everyone knows me by their… their first impressions, I guess. I’m not sure why it’s the way it is, but… you, with you, you only know me as me. I can’t have you gone, without you I’m…

KIRSTEN

Without me, you’ll figure it out.

PAT

Please, you can’t—

KIRSTEN

I’m going. I’m sorry, but I’m also going.

PAT Please, please don’t leave me! (Kirsten opens her mouth but decides not to respond. Long silence.) Please don’t go…

More silence. At stage right, the flight attendant escorts a now calmed Jeff back to his seat. Jeff does not make eye contact with Pat as he sits. After a few moments, Pat contains his tears enough to reach to the seat ahead of him and tap Jeff’s shoulder. Jeff turns around, looking disgruntled.

PAT

I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.

Jeff looks him up and down once, then turns back to his work without saying anything.

PAT

Please! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean – (he stops, realizing this is a lie) I didn’t know.

Jeff does not turn back around. Pat sinks into his seat.

PILOT (over intercom)

Folks, we’d like to thank you all for flying with us tonight. Our expected arrival time is roughly 7:50 Eastern time. As we begin our descent into Boston, we’ll be turning off the cabin lights for landing. Thanks again for flying with us, and we hope you all have a wonderful night. (Beat) Welcome to Boston.

As the plane begins to dip, Pat panics and grips the armrests. Kirsten pats his hand twice, a small reassurance.

Fade to black.

END OF PLAY